Monday, April 17, 2006
i feel down.
i hate it.
i hate the way people see me.
i hate me.
i hate my voice.
i hate myself.
i hate the way guys see me as "one of us"
or "brudder"
i fucking hate it.
what's your problem?
you like it if i keep going, "sista"?
fuck it.
and its my MANLY voice that's causing all the trouble.
face the truth.
abby thinks its not.
she thinks it's cause i'm chor lor and i play basketball.
hello?
i've seen alot more girls who are far more chor lor than me.
but yet they are not referred to as a guy.
and there are also alot of girls who play bball.
common la.
subconsciously.
its my voice.
I HATE IT.
its like, hello?
i'm a girl and you say i'm a guy.
do you know how much hurt that can be dealt?
oh ya sure.
"eileen don't look like that type thats easily offended"
i'm still human okay.
there's alot of "eileen don't"s that alot of people don't know about.
"eileen don't look like the type who reads"
fact: i'm a freaking bookworm who when engrossed in a book can be totally oblivious to the surrounding.
"eileen don't look like she's from express."
fact: i'm from tanjong katong girls school where there isn't even Normal.
"eileen don't look like she has high english standard."
fact: i can score higher marks for english than abby at times. and our english are both A-standard.
there's also those "eileen do"s that are freaking stupid.
"eileen look like ah lian"
fact: i'm NOT once you get to know me. fuck it. this is one comment i hate the most.
"eileen look like she's dao"
fact: omg. i think i am one of the most sociable and friendly girl ever.
"eileen look like the type of girl who is very strong inside"
fact: i can actually be very sensitive. in case you don't know, i can get hurt too.
that's just some examples.
i don't look like the nice type.
actually at times i can be even nicer than abby.
freaks.
everytime i see an elderly on the bus or mrt with no seat i'm willingly and glady give up my seat.
everytime i see poor kids doing flag day my hand reach for my wallet automatically.
everytime someone ask me to do something small, most of the time with one or two more times of pleading i would.
everytime someone gets hurt i'll make sure he/she is alright.
everytime when abby and me like the same thing i'll give in to her.
not just abby. i think most of the thing people want something, if i can give i would.
sweets/drinks/food whatever.
but of course.
no one knows.
everyone probably thinks,
eileen =
*ah lian
*rough
*noisy
*strong
*always cheerful
*not the nice kind
*cheena
okay whatever i have enough of listing.
freaks. i just feel like typing all this.
so let me type.
i hate me.
i hate me.
i hate me.
i hate me.
i hate me.
i hate me.
abby and gerald both said.
i should try changing.
change myself slowly.
its almost impossible to change yourself.
try it if you don't believe.
take abby for example.
its her to always care for people.
try asking her not to care for someone is like asking her to die.
its ALMOST impossible to change.
anyway i strongly believe its just my fucking voice that's causing all the trouble.
and you can't expect me to change my voice.
so.
shut the fuck up about comments on how MAN i sound.
fuck you.
i hate it the most.
"BRUDDER, ni heng MAN leh."
i swear i'm trying to control myself from shouting FUCK YOU.
maybe i should talk less.
but that would create another trouble.
see.
if i talk about people start going.
"you are so noisy"
if i shut up people will go
"whats wrong with you? someone make you angry?"
OMG?
WHAT DO YOU WANT EXACTLY?
TALK OR SHUT UP.
i'm an extremely person.
so its either i do something alot.
or don't do at all.
CHOOSE.
if not don't freaking complain.
AND WHAT'S FREAKING WRONG WITH SOME PEOPLE?
i hate it when some people go
"aiya you also no one wan to jio de la"
WHAT THE FUCK?!
even though i know they are kidding.
BUT STILL.
fuck you.
i can flood you with people who like me and liked me before.
*takes in deep breath*
okay maybe i'm exaggerating.
BUT THE POINT IS.
i don't know what point i'm trying to say.
just shut the fuck up.
i hate it.
i make myself a new rule.
everytime someone go "brudder"
i'll 1st tell him to stop it.
if he continues, i'll walk away.
and i did that once.
when weicong kept calling me that.
i FUCKING hate it the most.
I AM A GIRL YOU FUCKER.
IF YOU CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE AND GO FUCK A DOG.
okay.
i shall cool down now.
alot of people think i'm the always cheerful, always happy-go-lucky girl.
maybe i am.
because no one really SEEN me cry before.
except weida, wanli and jie yun.
i was hiding behind a pillar at 492 RC.
crying.
then weida found out.
but i stopped immediately when they found me.
not like i want to stop.
i felt like crying that day.
i wanna continue cry.
but the tears just stop.
its not me to cry in public and in front of others.
i always cry at home alone.
i think even my family hardly seen me cry.
i hide my pain from others.
and take the pain away from others.
that's me.
that's eileen.
the one who always consoles and comforts people.
but never gets consoled and comforted.
i never show my true self in public before.
and i CAN'T.
even if i want to.
i'm restricting myself from doing so.
and i have no idea why.
the human heart.
is a confusing and misleading thing.
fuck it.
me_________`e-leen *
1:46 AM
